


in the end ...

by tatertwitch



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders Was Right, Blood Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), F/F, Guilt, Hawke Angst, Hawke Left in the Fade (Dragon Age), Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, based on one of her quotes from inquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27345148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatertwitch/pseuds/tatertwitch
Summary: ... you are always alone with your actions.a look into some of hawke's biggest regrets, based on one of her quotes from inquisition.
Relationships: Female Hawke/Merrill
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	in the end ...

**_Everyone has a story they tell themselves to justify bad decisions._ **

* * *

Carver’s face is deathly white, his breath coming out in short, pained bursts, his weight pulling her down as she drags him after Anders.

_ Come on, come on, come on, just a little longer - _

_ I never should’ve brought you down here, I should’ve listened to mother. I’ve done this to you. If you die it’s all my fault -  _

_ All my fault the way losing Bethany was all my fault - _

* * *

Fenris is afraid of her. She knows it, sees it in his eyes the first time he watches her shove her staff blade through her belly and boil the blood of the raiders around her from the inside. She can  _ feel  _ him flinching away from her, though he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t mention it, tries so hard to convince himself she’ll never use her blood magic on  _ him,  _ the way Merrill has never used her blood magic on him.

_ I’ll never hurt him,  _ she promises herself.  _ It’s just a tool to make me stronger. To help us survive. _

It still hurts, though. She fought so hard to gain his trust.

He tells her he’ll kill her if she goes too far.

She hopes,  _ prays,  _ that he means it.

* * *

**_And it never matters._ **

* * *

Mother’s hands were always warm. Flashes of memory run through her mind - Mother smoothing her hair from her face the first time she was dumped by a girl. Mother rubbing her back when she came home drunk and emptied the contents of her stomach in the chamber pot. Mother holding her to her chest and letting her cry the night Father passed.

Mother’s hands are so, so cold now; her eyes bloodshot and stone white, the stitches around her neck glistening sickeningly with blood.

_ I should’ve known, should’ve told her, how could I let this happen? Should’ve warned her about the lilies, the murders; should’ve looked into the disappearances earlier, I could’ve done something - _

_ Dead, just like Bethany. Just like Carver almost was - _

_ I failed them all. Failed Father too, told him I would look after them all - _

* * *

She is choking on the ashes of the Chantry as she stumbles through the burning streets, gripping Anders’ arm. She couldn’t bring herself to kill him. She knows, in her heart, that if he’d trusted her, told her what the sela petrae and the drakestone were for, why she had to distract the Grand Cleric - she would’ve helped. She  _ knows. _

So why does she feel like this is all her fault?

_ It’s the right thing,  _ she tells herself.  _ There would never be a compromise. They would’ve killed us all; made us Tranquil - me and Anders and Merrill, we’d have been like that woman in the Gallows that Ser Alrik used and abused; Anders had to do it, he had to do it, he had to he had to he had to - _

She watches as another mage turns into an abomination to protect herself from an encroaching band of templars.  _ We were too late. _

She watches as a woman stumbles past screaming, face beaten and bloody, clothes burned away to scraps. 

She nearly trips as she clambers into the boat after Fenris -  _ he stayed with us, why did he stay with us, I’m so grateful he stayed with us -  _ and Merrill catches her before she can fall into the water, pressing a kiss to her forehead.  _ She’s so good to me. She’s always been so good to me. I don’t deserve her, don’t deserve any of them. _

Varric sees her shaking as they cross the pitch black waters to the Gallows, Kirkwall burning behind them. He slips his hand into hers and squeezes.  _ What if he dies here, tonight, because of me? He would die for me without question. My best friend. I’ve never loved anyone more. What if he dies and it’s all my fault - _

She squeezes his hand back.

* * *

**_In the end..._ **

* * *

“Say goodbye to Varric for me.”

She hopes he’ll understand, hopes he knows that she couldn’t let someone else take this hit for her.  _ Corypheus is mine,  _ she’d said to the Inquisitor.

_ I will not let another person die because of my mistakes. _

“Sorry, Merrill,” she whispers as she raises her staff and charges. The rift slams closed behind Alistair and the Inquisitor.

_ Sorry Varric. Sorry Carver, and Isabela, and Anders, and Fenris and Aveline and Gamlen and the dog and Mother and Father and Bethany. _

_ I’m so, so sorry. _

_ I will not fail you this time. _

* * *

**_… you are always alone with your actions._ **


End file.
